Questions & Answers - Common Issues
Q. Around a month ago I walked into my boyfriend of six months bedroom and found a girl (completely clothed & his friend) in his bed with him next to her. They were not touching & he swears to me he did not cheat. I believe him but recently I am experiencing severe pangs of jealousy over his past relationships and/or him wanting to go out with his friends. It comes and goes but I just want this issue to leave. I find myself constantly asking for reassurance that he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel like I am pushing him away and becoming sucked into this crazy side of myself. I do not want to ruin a great relationship because I am becoming insecure. I love him so much and don't know how to fix this problem.
A. Jealousy is just another term for "I'm insecure". Of all the human emotions this one is the most useless and destructive. While a few misguided (also insecure) individuals might consider jealousy a compliment, the truth is it has nothing to do with anyone except the owner of the emotion. Being in a relationship and having to prove your love and devotion over and over is way too much work for anyone.
It shouldn’t be a requirement. There are so many other issues in relationships that deserve attention when they arise that there can’t be an on-going one that makes the relationship hard and exhausting. If you want monogamy why invite a ménage-a-trois with jealousy as the third partner?
Insecurity can go beyond jealousy. It has the potential of leading to control issues and ultimately abuse. It is a very dangerous path to walk. I can’t stress enough the importance of working on your insecurity issue in order to have a happy healthy relationship. Relationships should be easy. There is no chance of that happening when one partner is always trying to work through someone else's insecurity. It’s too much responsibility and it is not their job. You have to do this on your own. This kind of issue usually requires a skilled therapist. You have to get to the core of where it all started and work from there. Until you resolve this issue within yourself, you are simply not relationship material. No relationship will work. This has nothing to do with the guy you are with, it’s just about you.
Q. My husband does quite a bit of drugs recreationally every few weeks or so. I hate when he does them because of what he becomes. No matter what I do or say I can't get him to stop. I don't want him driving and I don't want to be around him after he does them. He doesn't do them at home (of course) and since I can tell when he gets home, I always ask him if he is on drugs. His answer is always "no". The next thing that happens is we get in a big fight about it and then I tell him to sleep in the other room.
After going through this for almost ten years, I think I have finally given up on him not doing drugs. I have decided not to get a divorce over it, but I am still really angry that he lies to me when I ask him.
We end up going through the same process every time. I just don't know what to do.
A. Quit asking him. It's one thing to get angry because he still does it (which you say you have now accepted), it's another to get angry about him lying. If you quit setting him up to lie, you will stop being angry about him lying. When he comes home in that altered state, just send him to the "other room" because you don't want to be around him. Avoid the confrontation. You keep walking in the same hole every time. Next time just avoid it and walk around it. It will not resolve the ultimate issue of his drug use but it will take care of the button that gets pushed when he lies to you.
Q. It seems like I get more closed off from my relationships as I get older. I know that part of it is because my life (with two small children) is more hectic. Is this normal and if so, how can I get back to having more fulfilling relationships?
A. When you give up your relationships, you are really giving up a big part of yourself and what nourishes you. When you do that, you are cheating others of being in the presence of the best person you can be. It takes something away from your family and your friends. You should make your relationships a priority. Getting back to them is as simple as a decision. Decide to make them important and find the time. Use your time in such a way that includes friends. When you exercise, walk with a friend. Any time you go for coffee or lunch, call a friend. Have people over or get a sitter once a week and go out with friends. I guarantee you will feel fuller, richer, and more complete.
Q. [Summarized] I have been dating my boyfriend for about six months. For the first few months everything was great. But about two months ago. everything changed. He has this friend "Deb". Deb is very immature and she ALWAYS has to be the center of attention. My boyfriend and his roommate were really close friends with Deb before we started dating; however, once we started dating, he didn't hang out with them as much. One night he totally ditched me to hang out with her. I was really upset and during the argument that followed, it came out that I don't like her.
Our relationship has been a little rocky since then. He was angry that I wouldn't confront Deb about the fact that I didn't like her, and because I hate confrontation, I was mad that I would have to. He started acting distant and I did the same. I took off some time to be on my own, remembering why I love myself.
We are doing a lot better now. I have actively been avoiding being around Deb, and I told my boyfriend that I want nothing to do with her. I feel like it has helped a lot, but I hate having to avoid one of his good friends in order for my relationship to be okay! What should I do?
A. Oh, I'm sure Deb gets that you don't like her. Nobody needs to say a thing. There is not enough time in a day to spend any of it with someone you don't like. You are clearly on the right track. At this point, you need to love yourself enough that you can be by yourself or with others when your boyfriend goes out with Deb.
Good friends are important, and your boyfriend shouldn't have to choose between the two of you. Yes, you will have to share his attention, but doing so willingly will gain you more respect and admiration and; therefore, a much better relationship.