Q. After five years of marriage, my husband had an affair. He says he is
sorry and wants to make our marriage work. He has broken it off with the
other woman. She lives in another state but she does work for the same
company. He told me it was an emotional affair that turned sexual. I am
not sure where to go from here.
A. Infidelity is a complicated issue. You must regain trust in your
relationship or there is no marriage. Trust is the foundation that holds it
together. While it would be nice to understand why your husband cheated, it
is a subject matter that is sometimes quite difficult to articulate. Making
it worse is the fact that he may not really know "why". It might be a
feeling and that is completely different than having an intellectual
understanding that can be explained to oneself or to others. For this
reason, it would be quite helpful to understand why men cheat.
1 in 2.7 men will cheat. One of my favorite authors on the subject is
marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman. Now, I don't agree with everything that
he says but overall I think he has some of the best information on the
subject out there. Neuman says men cheat because of:
Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
Affirmation from "the other woman."
Not enough attention at home.
He continues by saying that the women men cheat with make them feel valued,
secure, and appreciated. "Men love to win," says Neuman. "If you want to
make men feel secure, make them feel like they're winning." The men who had
affairs said that they felt like they couldn't win at home or in their
marriage.
I truly believe that this can worked out but it will require work by both of
you. Read Neuman's book "The Truth about Cheating". Then start an open
dialogue with your husband that is completely void of judgment. Judgment
based on past hurt will not help you move forward, indeed it will just hold
you back and keep the truth at bay.
Q. I have a male friend of 10 years. We tried romance and it didn't work
because he only wanted me when I was unavailable. When I called his bluff,
he backed far away. He now wants to be friends, but really doesn't even know
how to do that. His form of communication is sending joke e-mails. When I
asked him to stop, he sent fewer with a small personal line such as -
"Funny, huh?" which seems to be his way of starting a communication. When I
ask for something "friendly" such as a personal reference for a job
interview, he does his normal passive aggressive behavior and ignores the
request.
I see him regularly at dances 3-4 times per week and I need some help in how
to tell him that our relationship doesn't even begin to fill the definition
of friendship. Acquaintance is more like it, and that's all I want.
A. I can tell this bothers you because you want to have the same clearly
defined relationship. Sharing the exact same reality about what a
relationship is
or isn't in any form is rare. Worst, we can ask for exactly
what we want and while the other person might try to give it to us, their
ability could be sorely lacking. Trying to control exactly what a
relationship is for someone else never works. Honestly, I don't think it is
even possible for two people to love each other exactly the same because
both people have different capacities in that area.
In this case, you ability to be friends or even acquaintances in a way that
matches the definition either of you have is simply impossible. He
obviously wants to be something but lacks the social skills you desire for
you to even consider his attempts at communication acceptable behavior as a
friend.
I believe in taking people exactly where they are while still maintaining
boundaries. People will always show you who they are. It's our expectations
that do us in. It's best not to have any because it makes for a short trip
to resentment.
Q. I have been dating the same guy for almost 5 years. We are both
graduating and about to make changes that might force us to have a long
distance relationship. He is ready to get married and talks about it often.
I never doubted he was the person I wanted to marry I just didn't want to do
it right after we graduated. However, I don't know if we could survive a
long distance relationship.
He was away all summer and I ended up sleeping with someone else. I told
him and he forgives me and still wants to get married. Since this summer I
have been going out w/out him and I always have a really good time and end
up talking to new guys. It is sometimes tempting for me to cheat again but
I haven't. After a situation happens I usually realize why I love my
boyfriend so much. Is this normal? I also think about other specific people
while we are having sex and feel a great deal of guilt about that. Is there
anything I can do or are these feeling just cold feet from the pressure of
getting married?
A. You ask some very good questions. First of all,
I don't know that there
is a real "normal". Everyone is different. I'm pretty sure a lot of people
question themselves about exactly the same issues. It sounds like you don't
trust yourself or your own intuition about relationships or least this one.
I believe if we allow ourselves to go to the quiet place where all knowing
exists, our intuitive self emerges. It is in that space that we know the
truth. It is our own fears that will do us in every time when it comes to
love. When you get out of your own way and out of the emotion of it, you
will know the answer.
It is a rare day that I talk to any divorced woman who doesn't admit that
she knew when she walked down the aisle that it wasn't the best decision.
If you consider getting married "pressure", you shouldn't do it. You should
wait as long as you need to until you are sure. If you end up in a long
distance relationship and it doesn't work out and you both are not willing
to do what it takes to make it work, then it was never met to be in the
first place.
Q. I was married for 20 years and now back on the dating scene. I don't
know "the rules". I assume there must be rules. There has to be, it's just
too confusing. Honestly, I don't know who pays, who calls, who decides, who
does anything. I think it's overwhelming. Do you have any advice?
A. Trying to navigate the mine-field of dating can
be a full time
challenge. For this reason, I have narrowed down the rules to just two.
Be kind and be honest. Everything else in dating is just a matter of
opinion. Do what makes you comfortable. A long as you always abide by the
"rules" you are playing fair and both you (and your date) get the freedom to
make it up as you go. Dating is supposed to be fun. The freedom to choose
spontaneously is so much better than playing by someone else's rules.
Q. Around a month ago I walked into my boyfriend of six months bedroom and
found a girl (completely clothed & his friend) in his bed with him next to
her. They were not touching & he swears to me he did not cheat. I believe
him but recently I am experiencing severe pangs of jealousy over his past
relationships and/or him wanting to go out with his friends. It comes and
goes but I just want this issue to leave. I find myself constantly asking
for reassurance that he loves me and wants to be with me. I feel like I am
pushing him away and becoming sucked into this crazy side of myself. I do
not want to ruin a great relationship because I am becoming insecure. I love
him so much and don't know how to fix this problem.
A.Jealousy is just another term for “I’m insecure”. Of all the human
emotions this one is the most useless and destructive. While a few misguided
(also insecure) individuals might consider jealousy a compliment, the truth
is it has nothing to do with anyone except the owner of the emotion. Being
in a relationship and having to prove your love and devotion over and over
is waytoo much work for anyone.
It shouldn’t be a requirement. There are
so many other issues in relationships that deserve attention when they arise
that there can’t be an on-going one that makes the relationship hard and
exhausting. If you want monogamy why invite a ménage-a-trois with jealousy
as the third partner?
Insecurity can go beyond jealousy. It has the potential of leading to
control issues and ultimately abuse. It is a very dangerous path to walk. I
can’t stress enough the importance of working on your insecurity issue in
order to have a happy healthy relationship. Relationships should be easy.
There is no chance of that happening when one partner is always trying to
work through someone else’s insecurity. It’s too much responsibility and it
is not their job. You have to do this on your own. This kind of issue
usually requires a skilled therapist. You have to get to the core of where
it all started and work from there. Until you resolve this issue within
yourself, you are simply not relationship material. No relationship will
work. This has nothing to do with the guy you are with, it’s just about you.
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for slightly over one year. It is the first
serious relationship either of us has been in, and we both openly express
our love for one another. On the surface, it seems like a very healthy and
happy relationship. However, I struggle with not feeling physically
attracted to him. We have sex a few times a week, but I never initiate.
Also, I am on anti-depressants that have resulted in a low sex drive. He
doesn't seem too bothered by our sex life. I, on the other hand, am becoming
increasingly concerned over it. I have been unable to reach orgasm with him.
Although I love him dearly and consider him my best friend, I am having
trouble finding any physical attraction to him. There is nothing he could
change that would make me more attracted to him. I am in love with him
(emotionally) and I know he is in love with me in all aspects of the word,
very much. I don't know what to do. I feel like our relationship is strong
and I couldn't imagine breaking up with him. However, I fantasize about
other people and even do so when we are intimate. Do you think the
relationship is doomed? Our relationship is incredible (apart from my lack
of sexual fulfillment) and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.
A. While you have provided me with a great deal of information, some key
components are missing that would help me give you a more specific answer.
The best I can do here is provide some general information. First, anti-
depressants are powerful drugs that can alter your ability to
experience
things as they truly are. Did you have orgasms with other men
before? Did you have them when you weren't on anti-depressants? Here is the
question: Is the real problem the sex, drugs, or your partner? There is no
way of knowing. Drugs can absolutely alter your sexual chemistry and if you
haven't been on them with someone else, you can't say for sure that the
issue is with your current partner.
You say there is no physical attraction but that isn't the same as sexual
chemistry. Sex can always be improved with good open communication and a
high desire to make it work on the part of both people. Fantasizing about
other people is way more common than most people think and I wouldn't use it
as a measure. Physical attraction can be visual but it can also be just a
feeling. I contend you must have had one of these in the beginning to even
get in the relationship. To stay "in love" you would also have to have some
component of it still.
In general, I don't recommend that people stay in long term relationships
that include unsatisfying sex. Sex is a silent third partner in good
relationships. If you figure out together how to make the sex better then
you will both be happier. I don't believe you should even attempt this until
you re-evaluate with your Dr. the anti-depressant issue. In this situation,
it could be the real culprit and you might need to find an alternative to
the one you are taking. Please share all of this with your boyfriend.
Finding solutions to complicated problems is part of a great partnership and
he deserves to know.
Q. I have been dating a guy for 11 months. We just had a baby. I was
exposed to HSV 2 (Herpes) over 12 years ago. I never told my boyfriend but
he found out when the Dr. questioned me about it before delivery. I really
love him and want to spend my life with him but now he wants to get out of
the relationship with me (but not with the baby). What should I do?
A. Withholding information of any kind is detrimental in a relationship.
Secrets create a multitude of issues that are often not easily repairable.
While you're keeping that kind of secret can certainly cause some serious
damage, there is way more going on here than your lack of disclosure.
If your boyfriend is really leaving you over Herpes, than I would seriously
question his commitment and maturity. I personally wouldn't consider him "a
keeper". I suggest that you have a conversation with him and see if you can
get to the real reason he is no longer interested. You can't keep someone
around that doesn't want to be there but you certainly can work on getting
to the real truth and not simply accept his convenient excuse.
Q. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 31. Lately we have getting in disagreements over the age difference. We have a great relationship; we communicate & have extremely similar ideas on what we want from the relationship. I understand relationships are not always easy but at times he feels that we are in different "seasons" of life. I get defensive because I feel as though he is using my age against me when in reality I am far from 21. He says that even though I am wiser then most, I am still surrounded by people that do act immaturely & that is something I can't really help and is difficult for him to look past. Lois, I have a feeling in my gut that this is the guy I will marry but it frustrates me that he can't look past this topic. I'm afraid he thinks that he is holding me back from experiences he went through and he isn't. This is what I want to do and I can't figure out the right things to say to him so that this argument/ disagreement can be put to a rest.
A.Well you have several issues going on here. The first thing you need to do is ask him what needs to happen for him to drop the age issue. It is not an issue for you but it is becoming one. He
will have to reconcile this within himself in order for you both to move forward. The truth is there may always be differences but most of them will probably be cultural not spiritual or emotional (the things that really matter). If indeed he does think he is holding you back, I would be concerned that he is taking on the role of a parent. It’s not up to him to decide what is best for you if he truly sees you as an equal that shouldn’t happen. Lastly, if he doesn’t like your friends, you might just have to see them separately.
Addressing the marriage issue, which I consider different than a dating situation, there are a few things you might need to consider. Ten years difference in age means ten years of additional life experience you don’t have. He may have more experience in handling finances and in making decisions you haven’t had to make. You both need to honor his strengths and experience so it can be used for the betterment of your relationship. There will a point where ten years age difference is nothing. That time is just not now.
Q. My partner and I are expecting a baby. He is very worried that having this
baby will negatively impact our life. His fear also comes from him having a
less than stellar home life with his family while growing up. He realizes
this isn't rational but can't seem to move beyond his worry despite being
excited about the baby. How can I help him?
A.I am not sure that you can help him at all. He needs to get in the present
moment. It is impossible to experience love when fear takes its place as
the primary emotion. The family life you have together with this new baby
doesn't have to be anything like his personal experience in the
past. You
and he have the power to create something completely different.
Getting excited about the moment is up to him. If he can't get there on his
own, he probably needs professional help. You can remind him that "this is
this and that was that" and that they are not the same. Other than that,
getting present has to be his journey. He will have to figure out how he is
going to arrive at one of the greatest experiences he will ever have with an
open mind and an open heart. You simply can't do it for him. In the mean
time, you need to not let him effect one moment of your joy and excitement.
You certainly have plenty to be excited about. Congratulations.
