Q. My wife and I have joint and separate bank accounts. We put all our income in the joint account and we each take an allowance. Since I pay the bills, I need to know the deposits and withdrawals from the joint account. If we run short, I forego my allowance. My wife has recently started keeping the amount of her paychecks from me. She got a raise and has decided that she would just keep anything over what she was putting in the joint account. She makes more than me and considers this "her" money. Am I wrong for wanting the extra money to go in the joint/household account?
A. Money in relationships can become a very muddy area. “Fair” is in the eyes of the beholder. If emotions, deep seated beliefs (often formed in childhood), and control issues weren’t involved it wouldn’t be so complex.
You are not wrong for wanting the extra money to go into your joint bank account and she is not wrong for feeling she wants to experience her raise in a personal way rather than just putting it in the pot for bills. It is wrong for couples to keep secrets about anything, including money.
She needs to come clean.
Over the years, I have witnessed couples handling money in every kind of way imaginable. I have heard financial agreements that on way too many occasions have made my jaw drop but in the end, the couples made these agreements and have chosen to keep them.
All agreements in a relationship should be open to re-evaluation at any time. This is particularly true when circumstances change. Couples are a team and should work together for the betterment of their lives as a couple. Being open to renegotiation about anything and everything by keeping the lines of communication open is the essence of healthy happy marriages.
If money was about what is most practical or standard business practice there might be a steadfast rule on how couples should manage it. Suze Orman suggests that couples contribute an equal percentage of their individual incomes into the joint fund.
Q. Can a marriage of 13 years survive a 10 month break-up from an affair?
A. Yes, but under the following conditions:
Both of you have to want to get back together and agree to do whatever it takes to make it work.
You have to regain trust. A marriage can’t survive without trust and open communication.
Affairs are usually done in secret. Marriages cannot endure with secrets. You both need to agree to no longer keep secrets.
You and your wife need to discuss what was wrong in the marriage in the first place that caused the affair and work on repairing it.
Affairs are usually done in secret. Marriages cannot endure with secrets. You both need to agree to no longer keep secrets.
You and your wife need to discuss what was wrong in the marriage in the first place that caused the affair and work on repairing it.
All the conditions above must exist in order for the marriage to make it. I hope you can work it out.
Q. I recently read your question about divorce and cheating. I have had some concerns about my husband over the last few months. I think he might be seeing someone, but I might just be making it up. I am afraid to ask him. I hate that he would think I don’t trust him. Are there signs I should be looking for?
A. As I stated in this column before, most men (88%) don’t go out and cheat for the simple act of cheating. There are usually major issues going on in the marriage that haven’t been addressed. So before you do anything else, I would look at the relationship honestly and try to include your husband in the exploration.
If you do this and you still feel something isn’t right, you can look for the following signs of cheating:
He is away from home more often (the most common sign).
There is less sex in your relationship.
He criticizes more.
He starts arguments and disagreements (attempting to make you wrong so he can be right).
Avoids contact (distancing so he can avoid being caught).
Although these are all specific signs, there is no better predictor of an affair, than your own intuition. Listen to it!!!
Listed here are the most common reasons men cheat:
He is emotionally complete in the marriage.
He feels he is defeated in the relationship and is moving forward.
He feels underappreciated.
Approximately 90% of men do not pick women that they feel are more attractive than their own wives. It is more than clear that affairs are not about the other women. It is about an internal which is why I cannot stress enough the importance of focusing on the marriage rather than the affair.
In order to move forward (either together or apart) you will need to know the truth. Marriages cannot sustain secrets and withholds. If you feel reasonably certain that he is having an affair, you must ask him directly. Please note: Only 7% of men will answer this question honestly.
The question you should ask is “Are you having an affair”? Look him straight in the eye when you ask. If he does not face you and say “No”, he is probably lying. The answer has to be “no”. It cannot be “you know I would never do that”. Repeat the question. The chances are very good if he answers “no” facing you, he is telling the truth. There is specific body language and words that indicate honesty. “No” is the only good response to the question and if he answers the question three times the same way, he is probably telling the truth.
Learning the truth is really the first step to whatever you both decide needs to happen next.
Q. I've been dating a nice man for two months. We were happy together. Then one day he seemed to panic. He said he was not ready for commitment. He said he was afraid he'd start caring too much for me and that he'd do everything for me like he has in the past with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. He told me he was not used to being with someone like me; he was used to "drama girls"
Last week he simply told me he's back with his ex girlfriend after five months of separation. He wanted to see if things 'can work out.' What happened? Do you think he'll be able to break out of the cycle of abusive/submissive relationships?
A.This situation is extremely common. I see this with my friends and in my practice often. Getting seriously involved with someone freshly out of a relationship is emotionally dangerous. Rebound relationships or as I like to call them, “the bridge to
the other side,” appear to serve a purpose when in fact, they are simply a distraction from grief. There is no real escape from the pain associated with loss, just a brief postponement at best.Grief always has the upper hand. It chooses when and how it will show up and we are (most of the time) it's unwilling victim.
Please be aware, his breaking up with you has nothing to do with you. He wasn’t ready for what you had to offer. I hope the next relationship you are in is with someone who is truly available. Look for someone who is long over their last relationship and has done enough emotional work to be available for you. While it is common to hope that the person you care about gets out of the destructive cycle of rebounding, it is not up to you. Holding on to the hope of him somehow obtaining “enlightenment” and coming back will just keep you from moving on. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you heal soon.
Q. My daughter is an intern at a doctor’s office working as an IT Web designer. The doctor’s office is having a banquet and the Admin Mgr is coordinating the event. This is my daughter’s direct supervisor. The Admin Mgr has asked her to serve wine at the banquet. My daughter was insulted by this and told the Mgr that she had other plans and couldn't attend the Banquet.
Do you think my daughter should have changed her plans to work at the banquet? Do you think she should be insulted? If you do how would you advise she approach the Admin Mgr about this?
A.The answer to this question would depend. If everyone in the office is working the banquet then it is just part of being on the “team” but if she is the only one that is expected to serve then that throws it into the inconsiderate realm. If the banquet is for co-workers and she would be serving them then
that to me falls into the downright disrespectful arena.
The boundaries around internships are often skewed. Many of them lack clear definition around duties and responsibilities. Internships are relationships and all relationships should have some boundaries.
How your daughter feels about what happened is just that, it is how she feels. While it might seem that our emotions are not “free choice”, in reality, most of them are. Your daughter could choose to be insulted or simply let it go. She shouldn’t change her plans. It is, after all, probably not going to give her any extra experience in the IT area. If she likes the people she works with and everyone will be serving, she might want to consider being part of the “team”. If she has no desire to attend, she shouldn’t.
Q. My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for a while. A few weeks ago, I found out that he was seeing someone else. I was devastated. I thought that maybe we could go to therapy and work on it but he isn’t interested. Now he’s moving out and I fear that we are headed for divorce. Do you think there is anything I can do to turn this around?
A. While I am a big supporter of the gender’s being more alike than different this is an area that is an exception to the rule. I am about to give a vast generalization, which from what you state here, most likely applies.
When women get out of relationships, they usually go through a grieving period. They spend time by themselves and doing some form of personal work before they even consider getting into another relationship. This doesn’t mean they aren’t lonely. They are but they move through the stages of grief alone knowing they are not their best self.
When men feel a relationship is over and there is no chance of change they seek out a new partner. The relationship is usually over in the male mind before any discussion of separation or divorce takes place. Most men need what I call a “bridge to the other side”. Women will usually swim across the turbulent river.
Of the men who have affairs, only 12% cheat because they would do it no matter what. It is who they are. This means that 88% of men cheat for an emotional reason. The excuse most men give for having an affair is that they “can’t win” in the
marriage. In the case of your husband, it is highly possible that he hit the “can’t win, game over” before you had a chance to realize what was going on.
The biggest problem with men having an affair before the actual break-up is that from all appearances, the reason that the marriage broke up was because of another woman. The real issues of the break-up which happened much earlier never gets addressed. The woman sees herself as a victim and doesn’t look at her part in the relationship’s demise.
Break-ups are horrible. The only real up-side is the opportunities it presents to grow from the mistakes. Not making changes from the lessons learned may create the same outcome when love presents itself again. It can also promote an environment of fear and distrust which will make it impossible to even find a healthy relationship.
If your husband doesn’t want to go to therapy, he is done. I believe he detached and emotionally left a long time ago. I suggest you work on what the real issues were in your relationship by yourself. What couples therapy does for a relationship is multi-faceted. Even if it means getting a divorce in the end, having a third party help both partners reach a shared reality about the truth of what really happened is invaluable. I hope you both can sit down at some point and reach some kind of mutual understanding around what led to the divorce. In the long run, it will be the win of what will probably feel like a horrendous loss.
Q. While eating out with "the girls", I found myself attracted to the waiter. I left him my number and it took him three months to call me but to my delight he did. We had what I would consider to be the "perfect" date and at the end he said "call me". I replied with the same. I really wanted to go out with him again but he hasn't called. I am very disappointed because I liked him a lot. I believe if he liked me enough he would have called me again. What do you think?
A. I think he told you to call him. When two people who are either shy, insecure, or too steadfast with rules get together there is a chance that nobody will get what they want. For some reason, women seem to think that they are the only ones that can claim "shy" or "uncertain" as possible personality descriptions. Men can be just as shy and uncertain. What is worse is that some women look at this as a personality flaw.
Yes, it is possible he is "not that into you" but there are other possibilities. Come on, it took him three months to call you the first time. I grew up with a mother who told me a girl never should call the
boy. That was a long time ago and things have changed. Don't you think it is possible that he might think you are also not that into him?
So...There both of you are waiting for the other to call. If you want to see him again, you should call. You have nothing to lose and everything to win. What can happen, you embarrass yourself? So what. Is it worth not having a date with a guy you really liked? I don't think so. After all if he says no, you won't ever see him again unless you eat at the same restaurant. No red faced embarrassing moment possible.
This kind of stuff is silly. As I mentioned before in this column, I believe there should just be two dating rules. Be kind and be honest. That's it. You can make it all into a game but the one you just played ended up with two losers. Since we are in the electronic age, if you find yourself confused about how to "play" send an electronic message stating you had a great time and look forward to seeing him again. Minimally it will open the door and if he is interested, he can walk through it. Good luck. I'm hoping for the best.
Q. What guidance can you offer for someone who wants to be married but can't seem to even get a date? I'm 54 and I haven't been on a date in 15 years. Friends say I'm attractive, intelligent and fun, but it has been near impossible to even find single, eligible men near my decade, let alone ones who would entertain spending time with me. What am I missing? I would like to be married.
A.This is a problem for everyone. I see it all the time in my practice. As you described it is almost impossible to meet single men out in the world. I pay close attention to where men “gather”. It is so hard to find them that I notice when I do.
I hear men are at sporting events. If you are not interested in sports, this is not an ideal option because you certainly will lose them on game night. I have also seen them at Threadgills (“home-cookin”) and at nicer restaurant bars, like Ruth Chris steakhouse. It might be possible to meet a man at http://www.meetup.com/ depending on your interest. The good thing about meet ups is that you share a common interest.
Overall, finding older single men out in the real world seems next to impossible so you will have to meet them where they hang out the most, in front of their computers. Yes I know, here is the news nobody in their 50’s wants to hear, you have to go on-line. I’m sure that the simple thought of doing such a thing pains you in a thousand ways, but if you want to meet someone that has been around in the same decades, this is the best option. You can’t get married if you don’t meet men and the chances of you marrying the first one you meet is probably not going to happen.
I have an entire course on how to on-line date but for now, I have a few simple suggestions.
1. Pick a free service where there are many men to choose from http://www.plentyoffish.com/ might be a good one to start.
2. Put who you are in your profile. What you are interested in is far less important than giving them an
in-depth look at your being. If you have a sense of humor, show it. Everyone responds to someone that makes them laugh.
3. Try to ignore the picture. Rarely does anyone look like what they post and in the end, most people never end up with someone that matches the “dream” created in their state of imagination. Too many other factors are at play and they are way more important than “the look”.
4. Don’t wait around for the guys to find your profile. Contact anyone that you are drawn to. The old rules you had about who contacts who are gone.
5. No phone calls, no extended e-mails. Meet for a cup of coffee near your home right away. You both will know within minutes if there is any “chemistry”.
6. Be interesting and interested. Even if you know he isn’t “it”, learn something new you didn’t know and impress the next guy with your new found knowledge.
7. Don’t be desperate. Men can spot it across a crowded room and will run the other direction. Remember, you are not desperate. There really are “plenty of fish”.
8. If you sitting on the fence, give the guy a chance. Nobody is who they really are on the first date and you probably aren’t either. After all, meeting someone new is like sitting through a job interview. Making it light and being present (instead of planning the wedding) will score you some points.
9. Don’t dwell on the success of the meeting. Move on and move forward. Meeting “Mr. Right” is in the numbers. You might have to meet many, many, many men to find him. But, it will be worth it when you say the “I do’s”.
You can do this and with the right attitude, it can be fun. There are success stories all over the place. I’m looking forward to hearing yours.
Q. After five years of marriage, my husband had an affair. He says he is
sorry and wants to make our marriage work. He has broken it off with the
other woman. She lives in another state but she does work for the same
company. He told me it was an emotional affair that turned sexual. I am
not sure where to go from here.
A. Infidelity is a complicated issue. You must regain trust in your
relationship or there is no marriage. Trust is the foundation that holds it
together. While it would be nice to understand why your husband cheated, it
is a subject matter that is sometimes quite difficult to articulate. Making
it worse is the fact that he may not really know "why". It might be a
feeling and that is completely different than having an intellectual
understanding that can be explained to oneself or to others. For this
reason, it would be quite helpful to understand why men cheat.
1 in 2.7 men will cheat. One of my favorite authors on the subject is
marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman. Now, I don't agree with everything that
he says but overall I think he has some of the best information on the
subject out there. Neuman says men cheat because of:
Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
Affirmation from "the other woman."
Not enough attention at home.
He continues by saying that the women men cheat with make them feel valued,
secure, and appreciated. "Men love to win," says Neuman. "If you want to
make men feel secure, make them feel like they're winning." The men who had
affairs said that they felt like they couldn't win at home or in their
marriage.
I truly believe that this can worked out but it will require work by both of
you. Read Neuman's book "The Truth about Cheating". Then start an open
dialogue with your husband that is completely void of judgment. Judgment
based on past hurt will not help you move forward, indeed it will just hold
you back and keep the truth at bay.
