Q. My husband does quite a bit of drugs recreationally every few weeks or so. I hate when he does them because of what he becomes. No matter what I do or say I can't get him to stop. I don't want him driving and I don't want to be around him after he does them. He doesn't do them at home (of course) and since I can tell when he gets home, I always ask him if he is on drugs. His answer is always "no". The next thing that happens is we get in a big fight about it and then I tell him to sleep in the other room.
After going through this for almost ten years, I think I have finally given up on him not doing drugs. I have decided not to get a divorce over it, but I am still really angry that he lies to me when I ask him.
We end up going through the same process every time. I just don't know what to do.
A. Quit asking him. It's one thing to get angry because he still does it
(which you say you have now accepted), it's another to get angry about him
lying. If you quit setting him up to lie, you will stop being angry about
him lying. When he comes home in that altered state, just send him to the
"other room" because you don't want to be around him. Avoid the
confrontation. You keep walking in the same hole every time. Next time
just avoid it and walk around it. It will not resolve the ultimate issue of
his drug use but it will take care of the button that gets pushed when he lies to you.
Q. I am 22, have been in a relationship with a 44 year old woman for 4 years who is in a different status. I have more education, and we view life very
differently. Worse I thought I was gay, but I am not.
I have wanted to get out of the relationship for the past 2 years because she is
controlling and it is financially draining. Although we don't live
together, I contribute $500 a month.
How do I cope with such an abusive relationship and learn to trust others
again? I used to be so outgoing and so happy before I met her.
My friends get tired of hearing how terrible she treats me.
Please help me, I'm desperate. I don't want to live life scared, or scarred
either.
A. Are you kidding? It sounds like you are a straight woman in an abusive
financially draining gay relationship. Is there any part of this
relationship that makes sense? Why would you pick such a thing much less
stay in it? Do you think you deserve such a horrible existence? I don't
think anyone deserves that.
Get out now. I can't imagine that you have anything to grieve here. Where
is the loss? You should feel nothing but free. Trust isn't about others,
it is about trusting yourself. You need to trust that you have learned what
you needed to learn and you are done with not deserving. Decide abusive
relationships are not okay with you any longer and you will never pick
another one. You will have to trust that if a relationship is wrong you are
smart enough to get out. Lastly, you should listen to your friends who
obviously care how you are treated and don't want you to suffer one day
longer.
Q. I am involved with a younger man. The relationship is great; we have a
very solid connection and communicate well. Age seems to be a fairly minor
issue, though it does crop up occasionally, mostly having to do with him
having a little less life experience than I do. But I can't seem to stop
feeling guilty about the relationship, like I'm taking advantage of him or
that I'm stunted somehow by needing to date someone 6 years my junior (he is
23 and I am 29). I think most of this has to do with social pressure, and
worrying what other people think. I know that some of my friends think he
might be too young for me. What are your recommendations as to how to sort
out my feelings?
A. First of all guilt is a completely useless emotion. It serves no
purpose. It doesn’t make you a better
person but instead just makes you
think there is something wrong with you. Enough of that, it isn’t true!!!
Secondly, most people would give anything to have such a great relationship.
Age is arbitrary. It is just a number that we seem to get attached to for
some reason. It doesn’t have anything to do with anything except social
security, age of consent, and when you can drink. What matters are one’s
actions. As far as what other people think, try saying this every day until
you get over it: “What people think of me is none of my business”.
BTW, one of my very first clients ever said she was concerned because the
guy she was seeing was 14 years her junior. That was a long time ago and
they are still very happily married.
Q. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. It has never been easy
but the last year has been really rough. When he upsets me, I find I
respond in ways that make me not like myself very much. I recently found
out that he was having an emotional relationship with someone on the
internet. I kicked him out of the house. I feel like I can no longer trust
him. He wants to come back and go to marriage counseling. I don’t know if
I will ever be able to trust him again. Should I let him come home?
A. His having an emotional relationship with someone else is just the
symptom. In order for him to pursue something outside of the marriage, he
must have been feeling very lonely. He probably
felt something was missing
within the marriage. I think going to counseling is a great idea. Often it
takes a third party to see the truth about what has really been going on
throughout the marriage. It also helps to figure out viable solutions and
changes that need to be made in order to make it better (much better in your
case). It’s easy to make the break-up about the emotional affair but it is
ultimately no more than the cough would be when you have a cold. It’s just
one of many symptoms. I think for now you should let go of that issue and
focus on the more important parts of the marriage that didn’t work. If all
of that is actually repairable, I don’t think he will seek something from
the outside again. Kicking him out of the house might have been over kill.
It is much easier to work on a marriage when both people live in the same
home.
Q. I found 2 men that I was interested in immediately. I asked them out. One
man met me once for coffee. When I went to meet him again, I didn’t
recognize him and went up to another guy instead (very embarrassing).
Another man also met me for coffee. Neither man has responded to my 2nd
invitation. What do you think about that?
A. I think that the best anyone can do in the beginning of a potential dating
relationship is “open the door”. You don’t get to decide if they
walk
through it. I imagine the guy you were supposed to meet felt a bit
invalidated (not being recognized from the first meeting). That feels like a
big ouch. I wouldn’t expect him to take a walk through the door. In fact, I
would expect him to walk the other way. The second guy could have had a
multitude of reasons that he didn’t respond to your invitation but without
asking, you will never know. You can ask or you can simply go out with the
next one. Keep the door wide open. If you don’t the right one can’t walk
through.
Q.I have been married for eight years. My mother-in-law lives in another
city about 100 miles away. I have done everything that I can to please her
but she has always judged me. She went to dinner with my mother last time
she was in town and said bad things about me through the entire meal. That
was the last straw; I sent her an e-mail and told her I didn’t want anything
to do with her again as long as she treats me that way. My husband won’t
say anything about it to her. I think he should defend me. What do you
think?
A.He is in a tough situation that is not uncommon. It all comes down to
boundaries.
There are many different ways to handle this situation but I
will offer you mine. He needs to tell her, that you are the person he is in
love with and that it hurts him when she speaks ill of you and/or to you.
He should tell her that he wants her in his life but he will not be around
her when she is not treating you with respect and that she will not be
welcome in your home. He also needs to tell her that it is also
disrespectful to him because she is judging his life choices. In the end,
she will ultimately have to alter her behavior if she chooses a relationship
with you both. A behavior change will probably never happen as long as he
doesn’t set his own boundaries.
Q. I have been dating someone for three years. I am crazy about him and am
ready to move the relationship forward. I approached my boyfriend about it.
He said “I love you but I am happy with what we have now”. I know he loves
me but I think he doesn’t really know what he wants. Is there a way I can
get him to see the truth?
A. No, the truth always lies in the statement after
the “but”. It isn’t
that he doesn’t love you but to him that has nothing to do with making
changes. It sounds like he is perfectly satisfied with the way it is now.
He might change his mind at some point but you can’t depend on that
happening. You will either have to get comfortable with what he has to
offer you in the moment or you will have to find someone who is willing to
go in the same direction that you desire.
Q. Just a few weeks ago I joined a website where you can put up a profile,
catch up with old friends, and meet new ones. A guy that I had dated briefly
while traveling a year and half ago just contacted me. We had a brief
exchange and asked each other where the other was living at this point. I
looked at his profile and he is single. I was thinking about asking him to
come and visit me in Austin. I stopped dating him because I met someone else
and we were both traveling and going in different directions. I do not think
we left on a bad note. He is also 13 years younger than me, but we had a
great time together and fantastic chemistry. I have been thinking of him
nonstop since he contacted
me a few days ago. I am wondering if I should
take a risk and invite him here to visit me, I am sort of afraid of looking
like a fool.
A. The only way you would look like a fool is if you were foolish enough not
to ask him. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Really what
is the worst thing that can happen? He wouldn’t have contacted you if he
wasn’t interested or if he had any concern about how you left it. Every time
we change or make a move in life we take a risk. The risk and change is
where all the fun lies. Make the call.
Q. I find I am attracted to a woman I employ. I want to invite her to a
concert with me, but there are two issues. I have a girlfriend and I am her
boss. What should I do? I don't want to lose my girlfriend right now if this
doesn't work out and I don’t want to lose such a good employee if something
doesn’t work out with us. I have to tell you, I am not mildly attracted,
she is driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do.
A. First and foremost, it is completely inappropriate to date an employee. Yes, I know it is done all the time. It is unprofessional. PERIOD. Second,
are you with your girlfriend until something better comes along? If she was
the right girlfriend you wouldn’t
be keeping her in a holding pattern while
you hunt for something better because you don’t want to be by yourself.
Here is the high road, do your girlfriend a favor and let her go. She
deserves someone that is crazy about her instead of a man who is going crazy
over another woman. Next learn to live by yourself. You will be amazed at
what you will discover about yourself when you are alone. By the way, alone
does not mean lonely. You don’t have to be with someone to be happy. When
you are truly comfortable being alone and you enjoy your own company; you
will be the perfect partner in a new relationship.
